I’m sitting alone in my room
Feeling all my feelings at once
The one’s I still have and the one’s I’ve lost
I’m writing for you.
I want to apologize to you
I want you to know how sorry I am for
not appreciating you.
No shallow sincerity
No in genuine excuses
I will get on my knees
till they are torn and bleed
Until I can forgive myself and hope you forgive me too.
As a black woman I always felt like
less than and there was
nothing I could do.
I look back to the little girl with caramel skin
not knowing her grandparents
Somehow hoping they had uncomplicated complexions
And no trace of melanin so she could feel like the other kids.
I’m sorry for growing up and seeing you as something different
I saw your darker skin as a cloud hanging over me.
I saw your figure as something less than desired
instead of something chiseled
out of gold and lined in diamonds.
I’m sorry for trying to tear myself from you
to be something that I’m not .
To crave to be a part of a whole with no space for my soul
because the world told me so.
I’m sorry for cursing your weakness instead
of feeling your struggle.
I’m sorry for trying to hide your scars instead
of kissing them and telling you that I understand.
I’m sorry for not holding you in my
arms and claiming you as mine.
I’m sorry for denying our bond
and yet you still embraced me
as your child.
I’m sorry that you were violated.
That people from far and wide
came to rob you blind .
One that took you hostage and plant their seeds
just to sell your fruit.
I’m sorry they took your children from you
I’m sorry the beings born from your tree
And sacred body
were spread further than where you could reach
and they grew up not knowing who you are.
It took me a while
but I now know who you are.
I think I always did.
These eyes see clearer than before
The clouded vision that told me
That I wasn’t worthy is now crystal clear
I’m sorry for looking at my mother and father and not seeing
their strength reflected in me.
Who we are
What they’ve gone through
because their story is true
And what our stories tell us and what we learn in school
are different kinds of truth.
Because the truth is we are you
I am you
you are me
you are vibrant, mystic, rhythmic
and everything I love to be.
You glow in the dark and shine in the sun
You are burdened by grief
but you are rich with love.
Your soil carries life
and that life lies in my soul
you are an indescribable piece
of what makes me whole
You are etched into me
my blood is dyed in your colours
We are so many and so far
But our hearts beat to your drums
I have seen the light on your unyielding horizon
And I finally feel like my
brothers and sisters are one
And like the sun we are rising
We are at the carnival in the Caribbean
We are the waves at the coast
we are the oasis in the dessert
that quenches your thirst
when your identity is desperate
for a taste
of who you are.
We are the shades of brown from Cape to Cairo
Spread every direction
East to west and then back around again
I now crave the smell of her summer rain
and I can hear the sounds …
The pitter patter of the water hitting our crowns…
can you hear her calling you?
She wants you to come home
not to fly a thousand miles to see her
but to look at your neighbor
and see your family reflected in them
your home is there
and she is always with you.
I’m sorry for apologising for who I am
I’m sorry for trying to bury my greatness in the sand.
I’m sorry for pretending I couldn’t hear your music
I’m sorry for pretending that I didn’t want to dance.
But now I move to your rhythms
Your flavours dance on my tongue
I taste your sweet delicacies
I look in the mirror and see
power and beauty
I feel my black girl magic
And nobody can take that away from me.